Grey.

Today has been a grey day.  The clouds lumbering overhead mirror my general state of disgruntledness.  I recognize, of course, that I am one of the luckiest girls on the planet.  A few weeks from marrying the love of my life, a wonderfully supportive family, a comfortable home full of fun toys to entertain me... I know I am fully blessed.  And yet, the human condition requires that we continually strive to have it all.

The "all" that I'm missing is a satisfaction with my career.  I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm just not getting where I want to be.  So, I think I need to make a change.  If this isn't working, lets try something different.  I want to be an actor.  If other people aren't hiring me, I need to do something to hire myself.  I need to start writing more.  I need to collaborate more.  I need to improvise, and move and push myself and create.  I need to strive more.

It's daunting, being responsible for your own happiness.  Knowing that you control your destiny.  But being frightened of that fact doesn't take away your accountability.  That I'm scared of the overwhelming task of creating the future I want to live in doesn't change the fact that I am the only one who can create that future.  If I want it, then it's up to me to do what I have to do to get it.

So, I guess I need to set some goals.  I need to put a notebook by the bed for ideas in the middle of the night.  I need to learn a new monologue once a month.  I need to stop eating my frustrations.

I need to quit whining and just start doing it.