It is a very exciting night.

So about a year ago my dear friend Lise and I decided we were going to write a play.  So we did.  It went through a lot of different shapes and variations, and a lot of expanding and editing.  There's this great phrase in art, "killing your babies".  Basically it means that something might be brilliant, but if it doesn't fit the piece it's in, it's got to be trashed.  Well, we trashed and we wrote and we read and we researched and it's finally ready for people. 

Well, by people I mean a small group of actors who are coming over tonight to read it out loud, and to tell us what they think.  And it`s kind of terrifying.  Yes, they are all people who love us, and I know there won`t be any broadway critics in the audience, but it`s still pretty scary.  We`re really proud of what we`ve done, and it`s been so rewarding just to have forced myself to do something that seemed so scary a year ago, but you never really know what something is until you give it away to other people.

Will they get it....  Is there something to get....  Are any of the jokes funny.... Does it have enough plot... Are the characters three dimensional.... Do the characters have their own individual voices, or do they all sound alike.... 

This is a group of women that I really respect and admire.  They are giving us their time for free, and that`s a very generous thing for them to do.  It`s just pretty nerve-wracking.  But we`re ready.  We are.  We are at the point where we either give it away, or crawl under a rock to hide because it`s too scary, and I refuse to be scared.

Wish us luck!

There was a lot of new happy in this week!

I made two new friends this week!  Count 'em! Two!

So the first one was at my Weight Watchers meeting (of which I had a rather unsuccessful week; don't judge).  You know how sometimes you just get a feeling about someone?  Well, she was sitting beside me and we maybe exchanged five words between us during the meeting, but afterwards I did something totally out of character and approached this total stranger and asked if she wanted to be walking buddies.  Well, it turns out that our schedules are really compatible, and we've already gone for a couple of two hour rambles through the beautiful Rosedale Ravine.  We've hit it off like gangbusters.

My second new friend I met at church.  Yes, I went back, and it was significantly less traumatizing this week.  Anyway, I'd stuck around after for a discussion group after the service, and this girl came up and introduced herself to me.  Turns out we have very similar stories (she's also an actress, studied a lot of music) and we ended up going for coffee and talking for an hour.  We could have talked for three, I'm sure.  I feel like she will be a long time friend.

All in all, it just felt like such a confirmation that I am in the right place at the right time.  I love it when the universe lets you know stuff like that.

It's been a while, but I've missed you terribly....

Seven months.  That's disgraceful.


But I'm back, and very glad to be here.  What a year it's been.  It's hard to believe the first wedding anniversary is right around the corner.  Such an incredibly beautiful memory, and so much love for my husband, and so much gratitude for the life we share.  And yet, it's been a shitty year.  A lot of death, illness, cancer and cancer scares.... horrible.  There's been a lot of horrible in this year.  Nonetheless, it was beautiful to have Matt as a support to share it all with.

I went to church on Sunday for the first time in many years.  It was very complicated.  For those who aren't "in the know", I was a full out, hands to jesus, bible thumping, holy roller teenager.  For about a decade, Jesus was my steady.  Then we broke up, and it was a pretty ugly break up.  For about a year I've been feeling like I was supposed to go back, but to a Unitarian church.  No jesus, just a theology of respecting each other and the world around us and a deep respect for the fact that everyone's journey is different and to be respected.  It really fits with my belief system. 

It was a really strange experience.  I spent the last two thirds of the service in tears.  And on guard, waiting for the agenda to kick in, the part where they sneak in the hate and judgement.  It was a real wake up call that I apparently have some issues to deal with about all this and my history. 

So many complicated feelings.  Guilt and shame and anger and hurt and embarrassment.... 

Complicated.

I'll be back on Sunday morning and start this journey to deal with some of this shit.

Too short in front and too long in back.

Yesterday I got a disastrous haircut.  I can't look in a mirror without wanting to cry.  And I think it's too short to fix.  That's all I want to say about that.

On the the upside, my friend Jen is coming over for breakfast this morning.  She has a dentist appointment in my neighbourhood, so she is coming over for ommelettes and I get to have a date with her while still in my pyjamas.  This could be the bestest ever.

I am all about the friend dates.  They are hands down my favourite passtime.  Dinner with boardgames.  Coffee downtown.  Meet at the art gallery/theatre/ballet.  Ommelettes at dawn.  I like a good hangout with an agenda.  Here's 'Something to Do' while we catch up and remind each other why they are awesome.

My Jen friend today is wonderful.  She is the kind of super-positive, unfailing-faith-in-the-universe, enjoy every experience to its fullest kind of gal.  She is very inspiring. 

Also, I'm going to see my uncle's latest dance show tonight, and I couldn't be more excited about it.  It's been far too long since I've gone to see something to inspire me, and I know it will be incredible.  (His work always is.)

I guess the moral of the story is... don't let a bad haircut get you down?

Best. Prescription. Ever.

Good crikey.

I have been laid out this week with the flu.  Just gross.  And awful.  Fevers and chills and shakes and shivers and sweats.  The good news is that all that's left is a miserable sore throat, hacking cough and runny nose.

I think the best way to get rid of these remnants is a week of intense heat, sun, and forced rest. 

Antigua, here we come!

Tragedy Strikes.

How much grief is appropriate when a computer dies?

My mac crashed last night.  In fact, this is the third time in as many weeks that my computer has crashed; the difference this time being that none of the tricks I use to make it boot up after a crash are working.  I'm pretty sure it's gone.

I hate the vast number of quandries this brings up.  Do I replace it, even though I have no money?  If I don't replace it, will the hubby and I kill each other trying to share his?  Do I bother replacing all of my bookmarks and everything on the hubby's computer?  What about my podcast downloads that I usually do on my itunes?  Do we hook up a computer to the interweb that isn't currently connected to the interweb just so I can use it as my main itunes?

Ugh.

Most of the crucial stuff was backed up, either on my email or a memory stick, but there's all kinds of little things that make me sad.  A bunch of pictures of my niece and vacations with the hubby, and some smaller writing projects that I had started.  It's just such a pain in the ass!

Sigh.

We have four working computers in our apartment.  It's ridiculous to bring home another one.  And yet, it's one of those things that I don't really like to share.  Short term, no problem.  I just like to have my own choices of background and links and all those files that I've lost.... (*pathetic sob*)

I know that life will go on, but I'm just not there yet.  Give me a few days. Or weeks.  Or however long it takes me to kill my husband for absolute control of his computer....

Fear and Loathing in Toronto

So I stepped on the dreaded scale last week for the first time in a LONG time, and had my fears confirmed.  It was bad.  It was second year university, eating nothing but honeycombs and chicken fingers for three months, bad.  And the worst part was that I had made a promise to myself that it would never get that bad again, and I'd broken that promise to myself.

But one moves on.  One sets goals.  One gets back to the pool, and the gym, and the vegetables, and one steps away from all the holiday baked goods.

And I refuse to beat myself up over the whole thing.  2010 was a year with a lot of wonderful in it, but also a lot of stress and grief as well.  That manifested in a lot of ways, and one of them was weight gain.

My goal is to do some kind of physical activity everyday until we leave for Antigua at the end of the month.  My theory is, if I'm exercising, I won't want to fill myself with bad food.  I'll want to keep the good going.

So, this afternoon is a swim.  Tomorrow, maybe a class at the gym.  Healthy meals.  Fruits and veggies only after 8pm.

I can do this.  I have done this.  I will do this.